Friday, September 29, 2006

Japan, Now With Less China!

Day 0: Initial plans to go to Beijing were scrapped due to general tiredness and Japan's inconvenient location four hours (and US$600) by air from Beijing. Japan is in Asia like the US is in the Americas: It's a million miles from any of its neighbors. (Yes, four hours = one million miles. Stay with me, people, I just got off a 14-hour plane ride.)

So off I went nonchalantly back to Kyoto. A little too nonchalantly. When I landed in Osaka, it suddenly occurred to me that I hadn't bothered to bring D's address, or even look at it before I left. But I dismissed this troubling thought, since D had booked me a door-to-door shuttle (3,000 yen, or less than US$30, same as the train to the airport). I figured she would have told the shuttle driver her address. As we neared her building, I began to have some misgivings once again when I realized I didn't know her apartment number, and I would have no way of buzzing her to tell her I was downstairs. Oops. The driver let me out, and I went up to the door and just contemplated it for a while. Hmmm. I tried to dial D's phone number via the intercom system. It did not like that. Then I stood there and willed myself to remember her apartment number. Amazingly, it worked! In I went, back where I belong. We had dinner at a place called "Japanese Restaurant" (yes), where I ate approximately everything.

Day 1: I woke up and heard D puttering about. I scoffed at my (unsmashed) watch because it read 3:30am. Obviously, it was not 3:30am. "What time is it?" I asked D. "3:30," she replied. Damn you, D. Who gave you the right to my jet lag?

Breakfast of Champions. Champions who are sedentary 355 days out of the year and then go to Japan and bike and ice skate and "swim" (more on that later) like nobody's business. Seriously, it's nobody's business, so why don't you just click here.

About 10,000 hours later it was time for D to go to work, so I accompanied her to Kyoto Station. She entrusted me with the task of buying her a new bike, because the previous one had been vandalized (we're sure foreigners were responsible -- teenage foreigners, no doubt). I went to the bike shop, but it was closed. As I walked away, a guy on a bike started to follow me and talk to me. No matter where I am, my first instinct is to operate under the Egypt Protocol, which states that "All people are bad, especially men." Therefore I ignored the poor guy, until I remembered that I was in Japan, where no one is bad. He turned out to work in the bike shop. He was very nice and opened the store up for me, and I felt bad for having tarred him with an Egyptian brush.

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's JiJi! (Short for jitensha, aka bicycle.)

Views of the lovely Kamogawa.

JiJi and I went biking up and down the Kamo River. It was delightful. Then we went to Fresco (grocery store) and bought lunch.

Clockwise from top: Pocky (original flavor), french fry chips (as gross as last time; just needed to reconfirm), mini hot dogs, inarizushi (D's and my favorite: slightly sweet rice wrapped in fried tofu), chicken nuggets (truly marvelous; I had them almost every day; the ones at Fresco are far better than those at F Market or, god forbid, 7-11). In case you were wondering, yes, it was too much food, and yes, I ate it all (except for the gross french fry chips, which I ate later).

In the afternoon, I left JiJi in the bike garage and went for a walk. It was nice to be reunited with my favorite street in the entire world. But although I still love it dearly, I didn't get those butterflies of excitement walking down it the way I had last year when it was all brand-new. Which almost makes me understand why some people cheat on their spouses. Bring me a newer, fresher street! Preferably one with bigger boobs.

In downtown Kyoto, I browsed through all the usual suspects (Loft, 100-yen store, 300-yen store, Takashimaya). As was the case during my last trip to Japan, a great deal of my time was spent trying to identify what exactly was on offer. For example, what are mailcuts? And is Loft really selling just the butt of a teddy bear?

Next, I went to my favorite coffee shop, St. Marc's, they of the hot cocoa & clam chowder combo.

The fall special was a mango lhassi. It was good, but there are better ones to be had at House of Baj in DC.

Coming up: how not to find a lake, and ancient ski-jumpers.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Change of Scenery

One of us will spend two weeks apprenticing as a seeing-eye cat in New Jersey. One of us is off to Japan (redux!).

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Rosemary's Blanqui

9 pounds, 2 ounces

Friday, July 28, 2006

What Up, B?

(In case you're wondering, the mysterious pile on the right consists of excised dreadlocks.)

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Blanqui: the Musical

Don't wait! Order tickets now to Broadway's newest smash, featuring such soon-to-never-be-classics as "You Won't Eat This":

You won't eat this, you won't eat that
Chicken or fish, won't make you fat

You're skeletal! (He's skeletal!)
So skeletal! (Regrettable!)

You won't eat this, you won't eat that
You annoying diva cat

You're a brat! (He's a cat!)
You're a cat! (He's a brat!)

And the bittersweet "Poop":

Poop! Ain't nothin' like
Poop!

On a mat, in a tub, in the hall, on the rug!
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh it's poop!

Poop! You seen it, you know it's
Poop!

Under there, over here, next to that, still on the cat!
Ohhhhhhhhhhh it's poop!

Starring the dazzling Blanquinou, known to half-dozens from his many appearances on Blanqui's Blog. Blanquinou will also be seen in the made-for-television movie Paris & Nicole: BFF? in the role of Nicole Richie. Additionally, he will understudy the role of Peter Pan in the upcoming Broadway musical featuring Clay Aiken. "Dreams really do come true," says Blanquinou, "even for a skinny beige cat from Jersey."

Thursday, July 13, 2006

His Royal Bunniness Blanqui Presents: Baconfest 2006!

Bacon? For me? What have I done to deserve the miracle that is bacon? (Answer: really and truly nothing.)

Bacon-laced quiche. Even more undeserved than the bacon.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Blanqui Draws a Conclusion

It's hot.

There's A/C in the bedroom.

----> Fuck the couch.

(Please excuse Blanqui's language. He is French.)

Monday, June 12, 2006

A Week in the Life

Monday's child is fair of face (with a slight chance of earwax)

Tuesday's child is full of grace

Wednesday's child is full of woe (because Clay never called)

Thursday's child has far to go (roughly 4 feet from one end of the couch to the other)

Friday's child is loving and giving (his annual sleepathon has raised millions for good causes)

Saturday's child works hard for a living (corroborative photo not located at press time)

But the child born on the Sabbath Day,
Is fair and wise and good and gay (so gay)

Monday, May 22, 2006

Happy Birthday, Blanquinou!

I know what you're thinking: feathered hair, how eighties!

Blanquinou & me, back when I was the older one.

In the days when Blanqui was more squirrel than rabbit.

Today, Blanqui, age 20 (approximate age in human years: one million), sports a very 21st-century fauxhawk.

Friday, April 28, 2006

Harvard: Enemy of Women

A letter to the editors of Harvard Magazine:

I consider your cover on the March-April 2006 issue to be pornographic, belittling of women, insensitive, and totally appalling! The whole magazine went into the garbage can immediately. The magazine is too liberal for this conservative. You can cease sending them to our home. --M.M.

This is the cover image in question:


It's the painting Ulysses and the Sirens by Herbert Draper:

Belittling indeed. Everybody knows the sirens were monk seals, not women.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Cruisin' Down Truckers Boulevard in Ken-tuck-ay

Lil Baji's wedding was this weekend. It's really easy to get to her parents' house. Just take Truckers Blvd straight from Kentucky into Indiana and make a right at the golf course.

Both LB and the big B herself looked gorgeous, but I cannot post their pictures here because, although the photos have been leaked by the president's staff, the president has not yet declassified them.

Instead I present to you the next best thing:

Onion rings!

Wigs!

Tomorrow's Styles Today!

These are the styles! You can have them today! (You could also have them in the '80s, but shhh...)

I can think of another place for those quotation marks. Also, an undiscovered aspect of the Alberto Gonzales vs. a baked potato qualification contest: Gonzales does the day shift, while the baked potato handles the night shift.

I want to get a bunch of these and start an all-girl group/gang. During the day we'll sing inspirational hymns at retirement homes and in the evenings we'll wait outside diners when the old people go for their 5pm baked potato and rob them blind.

Monday, April 03, 2006

No Matter Alive or Die

My beloved Chinese grocery store takes a hardline stance on newspaper pilfering.

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Shame, Thy Name Is Baji


Baji's "present" to me upon my visit to DC, shown in the condition in which I received it (minus 2 which TP ate right in front of me).

Monday, March 06, 2006

Explore France: the Flora & Fauna

The gnarly trees of Montélimar. The bathrooms were also gnarly.

Grandmother and granddog.

Like the Japanese homeless cat, the French SDF (sans domicile fixe) cat also grooms himself. This one's actually not exactly an SDF. He's not allowed in my grandparents' house, which isn't his house. He's also not allowed in the house that is his house. So he's peripherally very homeful, but not in an overhead kind of way. (And I'm the one who let him in the house. But not his house. My grandparents' house.)

Ouf, ze world ees so cruell.
(This cat actually does live in my grandparents' house.)

Magic!

Euh, ello, mai nem eez Monsieur Moustache. Juste louque aht zem!

Pleeze dou notte louque aht mai friende Mamzelle Ponay's butte. Ewe americaines ahrre soh rood!

VoilĂ .

"And where exactly do you think you were for the last five days?"

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Explore France: the Gastronomy

Etorki, or Brebis, also known as Grebis to those who are small and who also think that Madrid is the capital of Greece.

Salade de lardons. Mmmmm.

Gratin dauphinois. Mmmmm.

My grandparents keep the chicken in the closet. Fortunately, they didn't feed us chicken while we were there. As far as we know, they're still alive.

The goose eggs, on the other hand, they keep in the fridge.

Birth of a french fry.

Death of a french fry.

Warning: Saucisson may be highly comestible.

There's nothing like a slab of pork marmelade. Really, there isn't.

After a four-day war of attrition, the United Charcuterie Republic succumbed to a brigade of hungry Frenchmen supported by an American coalition.